Great Blessings, Small Heresies

So. Another year, another blog. A new experiment!

I was going to write the following thoughts in my main blog, "Scope For Imagination," but I got carried away with my musings on Spring and Easter.

I've been in a weird funk lately. It's hard to explain. If I were going to use spiritual language, I'd probably say that I've been under attack lately. I could probably explain some of it on a physical level as being attributed to hormones. But it's kind of sneaky and hard to pin down. I've just been very grouchy and irritable and discontent with my life lately.

The thing is, I've felt this way in the past, but it's usually been a lonelier feeling. A few years ago, I was going through a dark time. A dry and barren time. They call it 'the wilderness' or sometimes 'the dark night of the soul.' It was rough--but the worst part is, I had very few people to talk about it with.

Things have changed since then. I now have a circle of friends again. But these feelings have returned, and honestly, I don't always know how much to share with people. I say I believe in being honest and authentic and transparent, but there's this other part of me that just doesn't want to trouble people with my doubts and struggles and discontentment. I had several people ask me today if I was all right. I am not, but I haven't the slightest idea how to explain why I'm not. And most people want to be able to help--to fix whatever is wrong, whether through words of comfort or encouragement, or helpful advice...whatever. Sometimes I don't want to be "fixed." Days like today, I just want space to figure things out. But that's not very conducive to community, is it?

So, the thing is, God has blessed me with a loving family and a great group of friends. And I'm incredibly grateful for that. As Sir Thomas More says,

“The thread of our life would be dark, heaven knows,

if it were not with friendship and love intertwined.”

But then again, people are people, and we all get on each other's nerves eventually.

Lately, I've found myself in a tricky place. One of my groups of friends is a 20somethings group at my parents' church. It took me a while to feel like I really fit in there, and one of the reasons is that they tend to be very Reformed in their theology. I'm sure there is an official definition of what it means to be Reformed, but the contextual definition in my life is: Someone who thinks they have all the answers.

Maybe I'm a little too post-modern, but I just don't feel that way. Yes, I believe in God, and yes, I believe in the infallibility of scripture. But...I don't know. Maybe I overthink things too much. To me, those two things don't translate into me having all the answers.

Here's an example: We're currently going through the "Truth Project." In theory, a very good, beneficial tool. But from the beginning, I've been wrestling with it. There are several reasons. For one, I think it focuses too much on head knowledge. For another, I think it promotes a modern way of thinking over a post-modern, and creates a sort of dislike of anything postmodern. But mostly, it seems to perpetuate an idea that we have all the answers. Where do we get all the answers? The Bible, of course.

Here's where I start to feel a little like a heretic. As I said, I do believe in the infallibility of Scripture, that they are the very words of God to man. But I would be lying if I said I understood everything about the Bible. I don't. Sometimes it confuses me. Sometimes it frustrates me. What I think confounds me more than anything, though, is that there are so many people who have their own "take" on the Bible and what it means.

Don't get me wrong. I studied the Bible in college. And in so doing, I was exposed to new ideas of what certain texts meant, things I'd never considered before. Quite frankly, sometimes I find it challenging to navigate all the claims.

When I mentioned this tonight, in the group discussion afterward, the advice given to me by a friend was to look at the context of whatever scripture is being quoted. Granted. I learned that in my first Rapinchuk class. But for me, it's just not that simple.

You know how people talk about a "child-like faith?" Well, I had that all growing up. It was the "I just believe" syndrome. I think that's precious. But as I got older, I was faced with complex things--difficult circumstances and messy situations. I found that a simple answer didn't always do the trick. In fact, sometimes a simple, cut-and-dried, black-and-white assessment often did more harm than good.

So, I'm not into formulas or checklists or bumper-stickers. To me, this Life, this Journey, this experience of knowing God and walking with Him, is so much more complex. It's not something you can do on autopilot. It's not something you can ritualize. To know God...how can we ever be so presumptuous as to think that we can and will fully know and understand Him here in this life?

In the past few years of my life, I've grown comfortable with questions. I've learned that it's okay to not know everything. Even the asking is okay, as long as you realize at the end of the day that you trust the One you're crying out to. I've heard a few people say something like this lately: "What we need, what this culture needs, is the truth. We need to tell people that we have the truth."

I think this postmodern culture would ask, as Pilate did, Qui es Veritas?--"What is Truth?"

I could go on, but I'd like to hear your thoughts now.