Pioneer

First off, Sara, I am so sorry that your parents don't seem to understand the new direction your faith has taken. I have watched you grow over the years, and I'm so proud of the choices you've made in your life. You have allowed God to work you into a thoughtful, compassionate, ridiculously intelligent woman. I don't understand how your family can't see that and be as proud of you as I am.

Second, I can echo some of the discontent you have in church and the Church. The last year for me has been tough when it comes to church stuff. I was with FPC for five years before I had to leave- it had become a place I didn't recognize anymore. Looking back on my time there, it's bittersweet. There are so many people I've met through that church who have been important in my life. Travis taught me about youth and worship there. He and Erin became family to me. God blessed me with friends like Trey, Kate, Mike, Barb, and the Rolfs. There are families at that church who poured into me emotionally, spiritually, and financially. But it ended so ugly. I really got burned in the power struggle, and Mike... I wish I hadn't had to leave, but by the time I did, so many of the people I had loved about that church had fled or died. I saw the best of the church body and the worst of the church body over those five years.

Now I'm trying to get involved in a new church, but it's hard. I know that part of the reason it's been hard is because of me. I was hurt and tired and not wanting to get involved again when I went to BUMC. I didn't want to meet people or make friends. I just wanted to sit there for a while. I needed a break. It's been a whole year now, and I'm volunteering again. I'm hanging out with youth and helping plan worship, but I can still see the politics of church and the people who don't want to grow or change or reach out to their community. It really makes me wonder of I'm just sensitive to it now or if the Church just really doesn't care of they live or die. We're supposed to be reaching out to the broken, and instead we bitch about worship style and the church "not looking like the Methodist church I grew up in" (that's a direct quote, by the way.) I want to make a difference, to be a revolutionary, but it feels so futile. I know I'll keep fighting, but sometimes I look into the future and all I can see is heartache and loss.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in a totally different place now than I was a year ago. I'm blessed to finally be getting to know my new church family. I'm making connections with youth and am a part of worship service that is focused on evangelism. On a more personal level, I'm in a better brain-space than I was last year, too. I've started to heal from all the brokenness of that church, and while I still miss Mike, I'm not drowning in depression like I was then. Life has moved on.

Jess, I can't get that song, "Pioneer" out of my head. You remember, you sent that to me on a CD a couple of years ago? What a beautiful song. The line that really sticks with me is one of the first- "Pioneer, pioneer/keep pressing onward, beyond your fear..." That's what I know I have to do. I know that I have to keep on working for change in the church and the Church. I know I have to keep pressing for revolution in the hearts of my community. It's scary, and I'm afraid I'll be hurt again, but I know that this is something I have to do.