So I finally have enough time on my hands...

So this week I've decided to cut the cord. I am officially permitting myself to be a loner this week...but in a totally good way.

REWIND to summer. I am nursing a broken heart, have lost a good portion of my friends (well, I don't really have any due to my previous relationship), and have returned from teaching English in Latvia to realize I have NO JOB. Which means no money...which means sitting in my yard, outside, wrestling with God for at least three hours a day....Like why the hell am I so miserable? Why do I have consistent anxiety attacks? Why am I so lonely?...in general, why? So I'm sitting in the sunshine with my guitar, my Bible, and my journal...and that's all that I do. And it's wonderful. Because I've never felt that close to God in my entire life.

FAST FORWARD to today. I go to school. I have a job. I have tons of amazing friends. I'm dating someone. I'm spending time with my family. I tutor. I take the bus everywhere. I'm freaking exhausted. But the thing is that I'm afraid to be silent. I'm afraid that when everything's over I'll be completely alone again. Which is a total lie. But it seems like I'm addicted to the business of life. So I've got to cut something...

ENTER Silence. Time to reflect on my life. On my past. On my future. And figure out where the heck God is in all this mess. Which he is telling me right now that he is with me every second. And the weird thing is I can feel Him around me all the time. And sometimes I wish he would go away because I'm too busy.

TIME OUT.

To busy for God? The one who put me here in the first place so I could simply enjoy life, enjoy what he made for me? For everyone? For humanity? How could I let this happen again? Ahhh, humanness.

I'm a bit of a perfectionist. That is an understatement. I am a HUGE perfectionist. And if I'm not perfect I feel that God doesn't want me, he's disappointed in me some how. So to counter those feelings I really try to hide under this mask of doing. And I'm realizing now that this DOING has to turn to SLOWING down. I'm physically sick. I've gained weight. I've earned back my anxiety. I'm just so...unbalanced.

SO this week is about quiet. About learning where I stand. Where I want to be. Who I want to be. And I can't do that with this bombardment of activity. Every first week is a week of silence. A week of reflection. So maybe I can't change anything. At least I'll have a rest.

peace <3