The Basics

I still struggle with the basics. Is it okay for someone who's been a Christian almost their entire life admit this? Well, I know it's okay here, with my other sisters who are also making their hearts vulnerable in this blog, The Anamchara Diaries. But if I were to admit this in some circles, I would be scolded, chastised, even questioned about the validity of my faith. But this is real. This is my heart. I do still struggle with the fundamentals of the faith, like prayer. I've wrestled with this discipline for a few years now. It all kind of started when a family member suddenly died of acute leukemia, leaving behind her children and husband, her children also victims of terminal illness, not expected to live much longer past their teens.

And so many people were praying. Praying hard. Praying for her to live, because how could her death be part of God's plan? How could so much pain be God's will for a family who has served him their whole lives? And she died.

That event shook my feelings on prayer to my core. Do we have it all wrong? Is prayer really just an avenue to get what we want, like rubbing a lamp and a genie comes out and grants us any wish? I'm afraid I've viewed prayer like this for a long time. So and so is sick, please heal her, God. So and so's dog died, please comfort her, Lord. I have a test today, please let me get a good grade. Bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies.

It's not that I have less faith than I used to. It's just that I think I've been asking for all the wrong things. Death is not a bad thing. It is on this side of eternity, but this side is only the shadow side of eternity, only the closet that separates us from the entire room, as Lewis describes it in Until We Have Faces. So death is a blessing, a doorway to the greater reality, a threshold to something bigger and better than we've ever known or experienced.

And who are we to complain about pain? We are promised nothing more in this life than pain, both physically and emotionally. In fact, the very acceptance of the Gospel in and of itself creates more pain, because it creates within us this anguish, this hope for something better than what we have. If I had no hope of something better than all of this, I would just accept the way things are, or if I would live consistently with the belief that there's nothing more, I would just commit suicide.

So I approach prayer differently than I used to. I struggle with asking God to do things that I think should be done, or to relieve pain that I think should be relieved. My conscience has been smitten with the fact that much of my prayer life has been selfish at best. So my prayer life has been a bit simplified. I pray for grace, for understanding, for God's will to be done. I pray for his kingdom to come to earth. I pray for forgiveness. Sound familiar? It's how Jesus taught us to pray.

I'm not saying that people who have great faith and ask for great things are wrong. I'm just admitting that I struggle with this. What I am saying is that I am sick of how cliche prayer has become. I get nauseated to sit through the typical "prayer request time". Once when I was listening to prayer requests at a church I used to attend, a girl asked for prayer that God would provide the money she would need to go on a Mediterranean Cruise.

Okay, I'm going to be crass here, please forgive me in advance. But...WTF???

I thought I had heard it all. I mean, atleast asking for relief of pain for other people is sort of noble, sort of unselfish. But this request was flat out self indulgent! I'm sorry for being cynical, I know that can be a fault of mine. But this is where I'm at. I know that my personality tends to be more reason centered than faith centered. I am more of the Jack Shepard than the John Locke when it comes to matters of faith, especially when it comes to the subject of prayer. But where does the balance of reason and faith come in to play? Is it okay to just abandon reason, abandon what we know to be true about God and pain and the curse that this earth is under? Is it okay to just have blind faith in God and treat him like a giant genie residing in the clouds? At what point does the baby get thrown out with the bath?